Trauma Talk Blog - 3 Ways Unresolved Trauma May Be Derailing Your Relationship

6/30/2021

“Trauma is perhaps the most
avoided, ignored, belittled, denied,
misunderstood, and untreated cause
of human suffering.”
Peter Levine, Ph.D., Waking The Tiger

Our Blog Stories Open Doorways
Into Understanding Trauma

What Exactly Is Trauma and
Why Does It Matter?
Understanding the link between trauma and behavior

Diana's Story and Message
I've lived with unresolved trauma for decades

Yes, trauma has caused major problems in my relationships: romantic, professional, and with friends. I have been confused, unaware of the damage, and how it showed up and interfered with and, in some cases, completely derailed parts of my life.

In surviving trauma and caring for myself through all the devastation it wreaks, perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that trying to minimize trauma, rationalize it, stigmatize it, and put on a stoic, but, erroneous public face only makes things worse.

Trauma can be understood. Trauma can be managed.
But trauma never completely goes away.

Once I found the courage to attend to my painful feelings deep inside that were demanding my help -- I made the conscious choice to examine my inner messaging and my insecurities, and all the collateral havoc that trauma entails.
I was then able to start to work through the negative impact trauma was having every day in my life and on my relationships.

During the many years I have walked the road to recovery, along the way,
I have discovered a variety of healing modalities, including individual therapy, education courses, books, and meditation.

It was extremely helpful to participate in support groups, to meet people who have had similar experiences, and inspirational life leaders who have helped teach me about self-love and self-respect which are essential virtues for healing which are undermined by unresolved trauma.

I had to make hard choices to confront, reconcile and integrate those things I had long forgotten or had hoped would magically disappear.

Trauma is real. The effects of trauma are long lasting.
They are an indelible part of our story.

I believe it’s important to find ways that help to increase our self-awareness, gather support, and eventually begin healing our inner wounds. There are so many of us that are learning to be the heroes of our own story, who are no longer sitting on the sidelines wondering what happened to them.

If this story resonates with you, please always remember:
You too can heal. You are not alone. You are a survivor.

Trauma
A Poem Written by Diana Kendros

Loving ourselves takes time
Pursuing strength is a mission of mine

Trauma is painful
Trauma is real
Trauma is not always what we feel

It comes in episodes our
brain releases without notice

We remember them on occasion
or with precise focus

Flashbacks of sorrow,
never peace of mind

Sometimes they are easy,
but they are never, ever kind

Who knew we could be so tender?

Pain just below the surface
ready to surrender

Unbeknownst to us,
it sneaks in and takes over

Emotions clamoring for their position
Who will lose and who will listen?

Finding our way through a minefield
Stepping ever so gently

Becoming a human shield
for our friends and family

Perversion has a place in this world
secretive
elusive
hard to catch

Acutely conniving
Barely a stranger, always a danger

Forever frightening,
when feasting to fetch

Knowing I don't belong there,
others think I do

How do I move away from the difference between me and you?

Diana Kendros

Diana and Jan love
to hear from you!
Send a message:
traumatalkblog@gmail.com

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Many people who have experienced trauma feel as if the traumatic experience “wasn’t that big of a deal.” They say, “It’s in the past” or “It doesn’t affect me today.”

The fact is, by the time we’re adults, many of us have brushed off, pushed away and shoved down earlier pain so often, that our reactions to these experiences have become conditioned as ‘normal’.

3 Ways Unsolved Trauma Affects Us

At its simplest, trauma is an experience that overwhelms our ability to cope.

This might be for any number of reasons like:

• The experience itself was scary, violating, or abusive

• It happened at an early or impressionable age

• It was a repeated event

• It happened alongside other stressful life events

• It reminded the person of past bad experiences

Welcome to survival mode…
We minimize.
We deny.
We rationalize.
We put on a smile and go about our day, none the wiser, and all the more numb.

The truth is, unresolved trauma IS most likely affecting you today.

Traumatizing events can impact our entire life and being--even when there is no physical harm or damage.

The toll for those who have experienced trauma can be high, including a sense of identity, security and dysregulated mood and emotions.

One of the most far-reaching ways that trauma wreaks havoc is in intimate relationships.

It’s in the closeness of an intimate relationship where unresolved trauma can trigger dysregulation of our nervous system—sending us outside of our window of tolerance where we find ourselves reacting in a survival mode of fight, flight, or freeze.

Article

We Have A Window of Tolerance

Neurologically speaking, everyone has a window of tolerance.
This window represents an optimal range of experience where things feel “just right.” Within this window life can be stressful or difficult, but you are still able to cope.

Within this window we are able to thrive and manage our everyday life.

Archived Blog Posts

Stress and traumatic experiences can
shrink our window of tolerance.

Mindset Coaching with Diana
Complementary 30-min sessions available (click below)

Mindset Coaching explores our inner dialog, the stories we all tell ourselves, specifically looking at the thoughts, words, and phrases that we use every day to make meaning out of our life.

The thoughts that constantly percolate through our brains reflect our foundational beliefs, our underlying attitudes, and our biases, which determine how we process information, and which create our perspective.

Self-talk defines us. It tells the story of how we see ourselves and the world.

These stories color our perceptions and our relationships.
Mindset Coaching helps to support, reshape, and redefine our perspective to serve us in more positive, productive, and healthy ways.

Adopting a new mindset that focuses on growth and harmony allows us to embrace obstacles that may have felt threatening – struggles, setbacks, criticism.

But from a broader point of view these kinds of challenges can be seen as steps that are necessary for progress.

These new adaptations in our perspective can play a big role in creating a balanced, successful, and happy life.

Free 30-Min Coaching Session